After dating for four years following a summertime romance as camp counselors at Camp Vermilion, Gretchen and I said our marriage vows on June 8, 1985, at First Lutheran Church in Duluth, Minnesota. With over 400 people in attendance, we had a full-blown, hour-long worship service complete with three pastors, setting II of the Kyrie and communion. The reception was at the railroad depot museum with a live, fifteen-piece brass band playing ballroom style music that filled the cavernous 88-foot ceiling room. Because we were about to leave on internship to Japan two short months later, I wheeled in my new bride in a rickshaw borrowed from the local Chinese restaurant.

Our life together has taken us to six continents (having lived in Minnesota for almost 30 years, we felt we could skip Antarctica!), serving three churches and being blessed with two children, two children-in-laws and now a granddaughter. 

Life is good!  God is even better.

Instead of letting that date pass by with a simple toast at a nice restaurant, we are going to spend some time in Hawaii reminiscing about the 40 years, giving thanks for all the blessing and planning for what the next chapter of our life together might look like.

Awhile back, one of our kids upon their marriage asked us about the “secret to a lasting marriage.” Many people will say things such as, “Never go to bed angry. Make sure you carve out time together. Say I love you.” Those are all important things to do, but what I told them was, “Forgiveness.”

This might not be a secret to you, but you married a flawed person. The greater secret (at least to you) is that your spouse also married a flawed person. Pastor Tim Keller, in his book on Marriage, talks about the importance of this awareness, leading to a marriage based not on performance, but on forgiveness. Here are the typical stages for a marriage that moves from performance to forgiveness.

Stage One:       You realize that this person you married isn’t perfect. They have flaws. They need to change. (He/She is a mess!)

Stage Two:       You are told by your spouse that YOU have issues and flaws and that YOU need to change. (What?)

Stage Three:   You admit that you are not perfect but say, “Your flaws are worse than my flaws, and you need help.” (I may be a mess, but you are a bigger mess.)

Stage Four:      You both admit to being less than perfect and promise to work on them together. (50/50.  I’ll do this if you do that. Almost there!)

Stage Five:       You realize that you both are imperfect, but your flaws are greater than your spouse’s flaws, and you need more forgiveness.  (Bingo!)

Like our relationship with God, a marriage based on performance will always fall short.  I will disappoint you at times, and you will disappoint me. That is a given. But if we get to Stage Five and I can admit that my flaws are greater than yours, then extending daily grace and forgiveness to the other will be as life giving as the air we breathe.

Forty years of two imperfect people being together. Not bad! Actually, quite good, because I know that I have needed the greater share of grace and forgiveness. It makes it easier to extend that same forgiveness to the other. And for that, my heart is filled with gratitude.

Aloha!Pastor Scott